The fears we don’t face become our limits

We are all familiar with the term ‘the fear’. 

The feeling within your body when you heartbeats a little quicker, you feel nervous butterflies in your stomach, the palms of your hands are sweaty and your breathing is more forced.  You have activated the flight or fight system in your body. The one designed to protect us from danger. When activated it heightens our senses and prepares our body for an attack. A modern day attack. So many people are activating this system themselves. Feeling the signs of fear by thinking or predicting a future outcome. Perhaps unnecessary. 

Let’s have a look further at this fearful predicament.

Sometimes an experience or adventure will occur in your life where something unexpected happens. As a human being we intuitively, or using prior knowledge and experience, manage to manoeuvre in the moment. Maybe wriggle out of a situation you don’t want to be in, overcome a hurdle or roadblock (literally and metaphorically), survive a flight delay or an episode with some eager wild animals. Whatever happened to make you become more alert would have activated your flight or fight system in the moment and you survived. You survived and manoeuvred the situation by considering your options, making an informed decision and taking action. You remain present, switch to assertive alert mode and work it through. There may be impacts to your life but you handle this, while feeling slightly bemused as you weren’t expecting the bump in the road. It was likely a surprise, something you couldn’t predict, it could be a fluke - one of those ‘what are the chances’ moments - or it could be something that was likely to happen but never made it onto your radar.

Whatever the reason, you survived! An unknown became known and it all worked out. That is life when living in the present moment. A modern age problem solver.

So let’s replay the scenario again if you were expecting the bump in the road. What would happen?

By thinking of the thing you are now expecting will likely make you feel apprehensive or a little anxious as you aren’t in full control. The scenario we are discussing is likely to be a worse case so is hard to predict and will leave you with that “if that happens, I will do this. But then if that happens i will need to work it out as I’m not sure my next step”. It can be mentally exhausting. Your mind now operating in a what if loop.

And that’s the tricky part. In a worse case scenario it is usually so unlikely that it happens then even if you have a plan it might not be valid as there are too many variables. You are preparing for something that may or may not happen. You are trying to control the future. Everyone knows that is a recipe for mental exhaustion. By trying to predict and control every part of your life and experiences you create a bundle of ‘what if’ scenarios. All these leave your mind expecting the worse and also, sometimes, you’re stuck. With no clear action plan - you have triggered the fight or flight system. And then end up walking about on eggshells. Fearing the fear that comes when a worse case scenario is triggered. 

How many people get stuck fearing the fear? They have spent so long overthinking the fearful worse case they can’t just enjoy the moment as they are anticipating the worst. Their whole body is on alert for the fearful event. The sweaty palms, nervous butterflies in the stomach and the fake smile trying to mask the “ I am feeling the fear” reality.

From everything I’ve experienced in life the worse case is never that bad. It’s definitely not as bad as we expect. Let’s have a look:

1. That time my flight was cancelled in Philippines as I tried to fly from Cebu city to the island of Palawan. What was the outcome? I had one less day on the island, but in the end this didn’t impact my trip and the airline provided compensation in the form of a overnight stay in a 5 star hotel with all inclusive dinner and breakfast. I felt refreshed and reinvigorated. A lose turned into a win!

2. On the way to Batu Cave, in Malaysia, I overcame the gauntlet of monkeys who live and command the steps up to the caves religious shrine. It was truly terrifying. If I knew this experience was coming I’d have declined as it can be mentally tiring trying to withstand the constant fear of a monkey attack. In the end I would take a deep breath and scurry past, keeping my eye on them. Thankful to survive, now I look back and giggle.

So what would I recommend to you:

1. Mentally consider what could happen. Everything. The small, the very likely, the obscure and the big outlier, the catastrophe!

2. Write down the main big scenarios and how you plan to overcome these if it did happen. Think like a problem solver. Mentally prepare.

3. For all the other scenarios - pop them in a box that is labelled ‘we will deal with that as and when’. These are the ones that are impossible to plan for.

4. Control and prepare as best as you can for what you can. Even develop a mini action plan if necessary. Do what you need to do to ease the unknown, uncontrollable element that triggers the feeling of overwhelm and fear.

5. Then let it go knowing you are built and designed as a problem solver. Someone who is resilient. What will be, will be. You are as prepared as you need to be. Don’t fixate on all the scenarios. You are ready.

6. Prepare some mantras, “I am flexible and flow with life”, for when something might happen. 

7. If something does happen:

1. Pause

2. Control your breathing first,

3. Smile - this will trigger the ‘you have got this’ mindset and

4. Explain to yourself you will figure it out

5. Recall your action plan and take action or, literally, figure it out.

8. If required, know you can use your support and community to guide you if you get really stuck.

9. Remember this too shall pass and it is all part of the process of living life

The fears we don’t face become our limits. So get out there and push beyond the fear of fear.