Beat ‘People Pleasing’ in three easy steps

In the summer of 2020, I walked the amazing Santorini coastal pathway from Fira to the dreamy destination of Oia, perched on the northern tip of the island. After an energy sapping and sweaty hike in 30+ heat I arrived in Oia – the home of the best sunsets – in need of one thing, a coffee.

Afterwards I felt the caffeine flood my body I was ready to stroll this cute coastal village, like the curious traveller I am.

Unfortunately, I got stuck walking behind a couple who were strolling arm in arm gazing out towards the cobalt blue waters. Forced to perform that awkward slow pace stroll, stuck behind them, waiting to seize the chance to overtake.

The art of patience.

 As their stroll became a crawl, I seized my opportunity to overtake, sliding past them as they glanced at a gelato café.

 As I overtook, I could overhear their conversation and felt puzzled. The female asked the male a question, and waited for his response before she provided her response.

 I shook my head – if I was the female the conversation would have been very different. I went about my day, enjoying the gorgeous scenery, taking photos of the pastel coloured buildings enjoying all the Greek summer vibe on offer, but I kept replaying that conversation. It just didn’t sit right with me.

 The young female, wearing her sassy summer dress, asking her partner, “Do you fancy an ice cream cone?”

 All perfectly normal on the surface, but if you dig deeper you notice a learned behaviour in full operation. So subtle, but with big results. She waited for his response, to guide her decision and the next steps. I didn’t stick around to wait for his response as I seized the opportunity to move ahead but lets dissect this as I constantly see this behaviour. It is known as People Pleasing, the act of people other peoples needs before your own.

If he responded “No” – what would she have done? Just shrugged and said “ok”. While inside she is screaming “but I want an ice cream cone”.

Surely if she asked if he wanted a gelato, this was because she wanted one but wanted his assurance or permission. She wanted to ensure she was pleasing him first, before her needs. If he didn’t want one and she did then surely she would be putting him out by asking to stop for five minutes to purchase the ice cream. That is how people pleasures think. ‘I must please everyone and not put myself first, as that could put someone out’.

If we reframe the situation and turn it on its head then I would have asked a different question.

Here is how it would play out, “I am going to enjoy a gelato, do you want one too?”

How does this change the outcome?

I am clearly signposted what I want and I get what I want regardless of the response. I am putting my own needs and wants first, rather than asking for permission.

Is this selfish?

Of course not, I am in control of my happiness and make it happen.

Why are we giving this away to other people. No one is inconvenienced in this scenario!

Let’s dissect more familiar scenarios:

Have you ever been in a restaurant for dinner and someone asks

“Anyone having dessert?” Before they glance around the table waiting for permission to say they do.

Then as each person at the table shakes their head and replies, no the person who asked the question usually responds with, “I didn’t want dessert anyway”.

Of course they did, or why would they ask.

Again, if you reframe the situation the discussion would have played out a little differently:

“Oohhh look at that cheesecake, I am definitely ordering that. Anyone else fancy dessert?”.

Regardless of the response, there is one happy diner with a belly full of cheesecake.

If you are someone who struggles with people pleasing here are some tips:

1.       Ask yourself of you know what you want from life and certain situations? Until you know, you will be following the leader.

2.       Practice knowing what you want. Just yourself. When you are out and around people decisions and opinions will be shared. In your head, only for you, ask if you are happy with the discussion and decision, your input and would you say anything differently if you could be convinced you weren’t going to upset or inconvenience anyone.

3.       Now practice for real. The next time you are out and about make a decision on what you want then announce or ask for it. Watch what happens. Here are some examples:

a.       Dinner Plans. Announce what restaurant who have always wanted to visit?

b.       Movie Night. Outline the top 3 movies you have been excited to watch but always settle for someone else’s choice.

c.       Meeting friends. Suggest a time that suits you first rather than waiting to be told a time.

d.       It is the weekend. You always end up doing what your kids, parent or friends want to do. For once decide what you want to do then tell them.

The ‘worst’ thing that will happen is you need to compromise or discuss your opinion or choice a little. But it’s okay as you’re prepared for this.

You can please yourself and still be considerate to others.

Sometimes you even need to compromise, but until you start saying yes to you - you will always be settling for someone else’s life.